TenTon has annihilated the 2005 con season and rocked out ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Boston as final proof that we are the nuclear bomb of cool. There was drunken debauchery, rockin' riffs, and many a sexual innuendo. But what I ultimately got out of it all, is a sense of family.
These boys are not just friends, they are brothers. Truly something deeper than just a bunch of starving creators have banded together here. This is a group that found each other because we were meant to. I never imagined I would be surrounded by the coolest of the cool, the baddest of the bad, and they would accept me and love me as one of their own. That's right, love. I said it. There is true TenTon love here baby.
I think I've been missing something vital for so long in my life. I had become so jaded and cynical over the past few years that I had forgotten what an honest love for people I used to have. Somewhere over the last decade I had become what I always swore I wouldn't: Someone closed-hearted and content with spreading negativity to everyone around me. I have a newfound love for my fellow man again, and I find myself not being intimidated by people as much anymore.
I was also letting expectations of people reading my work stop me from writing. I found myself paralyzed every time I sat down at my computer to work. I found I was censoring my thoughts and trying to perfect every word and line so as not to disappoint. But I was letting someone down. Me. I had forgotten what had driven me to write in the first place. That true moment of joy I felt as I put down the words for no one other than myself, not even thinking that anyone would ever read it and being content with the fact that I was putting something together so that I could make sense of things.
Self-love is the hardest thing in the world for me to actualize. I had always torn myself down, expecting to beat anyone and everyone else to the punch. I was extra sensitive my whole life, so an offhanded comment from a friend or family member would send me careening into the chasm of self-hate. I never thought myself good enough, smart enough, or capable enough to do or get anywhere in this life. Now I can see that the only reason I didn't get or do the things I wanted in life was because of these self-imposed limitations.
Now I can see that I'm not alone in all this either. Seems most people have felt these things I've been writing about here. Hopefully something I'm saying here speaks to a part of all you fine readers out there. And for those that aren't reading these columns, that's aight. A big middle finger to all those sucka MCs that don't, but much love to all of you that are reading these here words of mine. I love you all and have a hug for each and every one of you. Seriously, just ask next time you see me. I have love for all y'all.
Big ups to the TenTonKrew, especially to Senor Scott St. Pierre and his lovely wife Karen who put us up in Baaaahhhhston while we drank ourselves silly. I personally had a total blast and miss you guys.
Also, much love to Jay and Jong who are letting me crash at their swank pad. Thanks homies!