Friday, January 2, 2009

Messages from bed

So now it's 2009. Insane. It feels like everything is new, like I, and everyone I know, have started a new story.

I lost my laptop and all my photos and work and writing. So I've been trying to get my old Dell laptop running, and reading some old writing of mine. I used this computer when I first moved to NYC. And the writing dates as far back as senior year of high school.

It feels good seeing this old stuff, to be reading my thoughts uncensored by who I've become. I feel like I've been struggling for so long to get back to who I was way back when. I was always happy-go-lucky and no one could get me down for long.

And moment by moment I feel it coming back. I talk to strangers, I give money and chat with the homeless, I have great people in my life who love me. I finally have firmly, and boldy stood up to the two bullies in my life, my dad and my boss.

My dad is just a self-absorbed asshole and he texted (for the first time ever) to ask me to stay over after Xmas but I had to go back to work. When I told him that he wrote back 'fuck off scum' @hugnkiss@. That was pretty much the final straw.

When I was 11 he told me he wouldn't be some sort of involved father. When I was in college him and my mom got into fights over me. When I was 25 my parents split and no longer obligated to talk to him we let two years go by without talking. When we did he then told me that if it wasn't for staying with my mom and us that he would be rich and happy with someone else, and on father's day this year, he looked me in the eyes and said "you, you're fucked".

I knew it was projection, I knew it was the scotch and resentment bubbling up together that let that loose. And I felt pity for him. He was sad and lonely. But how much do I have to do for someone who's looked at me with nothing but resentment, treated me like he was a jealous sibling rather than a healthy, supportive, proud father.

So I asked him to try and be nice to me. Then after a few drinks and past midnight, I texted him asking if we needed to fight. I'd fight him, i'd kick the shit out of him, and when he lie on the ground bleeding i'd help him up, hoping that he'd have a deeper understanding of who I am. I'm not fucking around anymore.

This is my life and it's moving forward, and I will not be disrespected. So when my boss started giving me shit on the phone for things that were not my fault, speaking to me like a dumb child, I stopped him short, replied firmly the details, and got it done. All without freaking out, which is very much what I wanted to do every other time he'd enrage me with just a quick offhanded comment.

So yeah, my laptop dies, and I stand up for myself. There is an odd connection between computers and my dad. Not sure what exactly but I guess I associate them with him, and now I'm kicking it old school, with my laptop and my attitude.

Happy New Year!